A heavy heart..

Laying in bed with a heavy, heavy heart tonight.
Missing Africa a lot tonight.
Interesting day today..one that I think triggered these emotions.

I've had a really hard time these last couple of weeks...so much turmoil, so much unrest.
Still processing memories & uploading pictures from my last trip to Africa & my heart aches, some changes were made in my employment that completely took me by surprise...and have left me with yet again, another broken heart.
I visited my hometown & my family & friends...bittersweet.
I miss all of them, but I love being in Nashville...and the new friends I've made.
My faith is certainly being tested.
Some days I just want to throw my hands up in the air & give up.
"Lord, I've tried to follow you."
"Have I heard you wrong?"
"What is it that you would like me to do?"
I'm at a loss...

My Pastor Jeri, a God-fearing, inspirational & wise woman who has been my Mentor for several years now, spoke words to me that really sunk in...and I can't stop processing them.
"Brenda, have you realized that all of your life you have been swimming, gasping for air- just trying to survive? Things have been so out of control and your life continues to be uprooted & you never have time to settle. This is tearing you apart & you deeply desire some sort of stability."
Ugh! How does she get me so well??
She's right.
I have never known stability...in my family, in my relationships, in my friendships, in my career, in my living arrangements...
Daddy, Abba Father- help me. I need a break. I need stability. I need to see you. I need to hear you.
I know that I'm growing and being challenged through all of these trials...and YOU know what is best for me...but this is hard. So.Very.Hard.

I need you.
I need direction.
I need discernment.
I need wisdom.

What will this next chapter in my life be....??

Praying.
Seeking.
Loving...
YOU.