The desires of my heart...: April 2011

4.21.11

The day before Good Friday.

I just started thinking about my life & where I am.

This day marks the birthday of my cousin Jacob Nyenhuis.

We would have been celebrating his 23rd birthday...except that he is spending it with Jesus again this year.

He entered Heaven on 9.24.06.

So bittersweet.

There is sadness because many of us SO wish he could be here with us- especially, his family.

There is joy knowing he is spending another birthday up in Heaven.

I bet God throws the best birthday parties!

There was something amazing about my cousin...but I didn't quite know what it was.

For most of my life, he & his family lived far away from us.

They lived in GA and my family lived in WI.

So, it wasn't very often that we got to see them.

Which made it really special when we spent time together.

There was something amazing about my cousin...but I didn't quite know what it was.

I was not a Christian for most of my life. A Christ-follower.

I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus.

I was baptized Catholic. I was not raised to believe in God the way I do now.

I did not live a horrible life by any means...but there was something missing in my life.

I did not know what it was.

I admired my Aunt & Uncle. They had raised such a wonderful family.

They had unspeakable joy in their lives.
They had such a peace about them.

From a young age, I wanted so bad to have what they had.

But, I didn't exactly know what it was they had.

There was something amazing about my cousin....but I didn't quite know what it was.

Years had gone by.

I was busy going on with my life.

I made some poor choices.

I was living for myself & not for God.

I needed a Savior...but I didn't know that.

I thought I could figure out my life on my own.

I didn't need this "God" to help me- I mean, who is he? I can't see him, how can I believe in him?

I kept on with my life, living it the way I wanted to live it.

Until...I hit rockbottom. I had nowhere to turn.

I felt hopeless. What was my purpose in life?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I reached out to my Aunt. She had an amazing faith that I admired.

That I needed. I now realize God was using her to reach out to me.

She tried to share things with me...and at times, I just wasn't ready to hear it.

Because it meant I had to give up something I didn't want to. Control.

She never stopped pursuing me. Not in a nagging way. She just never gave up.

To this day, I am so thankful she didn't give up on me.

I knew I needed to change. I needed more to my life.

She had something I wanted to have.

There was something amazing about my cousin....but I didn't quite know what it was.

Then one day I committted my life to Jesus.

I knew there was more to life than what I was living.

God had begun to stir up things in my heart and I did not know what they meant.

I became so hungry, so thirsty for God.

I wanted to learn more about what it meant to actually have a relationship with Him.

I learned that it was not about just showing up for Church on Sunday.

Just like real relationships...they take time & effort to grow & become stronger....from both people.

God had been making such an effort for so long....but I was not.

I knew I wanted to become a Christian, but I ultimately became a luke-warm Christian.

I enjoyed dipping my toes in, but never would dive fully in.

I went to Church on Sundays...but still would go out drinking on Saturdays.

Something inside of me always felt bad for doing this.

Who was I fooling? Not God of course.

I needed to change for myself, not anyone else.

I was beginning to transform...but I didn't really know it at the time.

God had been working on me...but I didn't really know it at the time.

I knew I wasn't enjoying the same things anymore.

I wanted more out of life. My heart was changing.

I took a trip to St. Simons Island with two great friends MaryJo & Tina Ciardo and had a wonderful time.

I was beginning to feel a stirring in my heart then but couldn't really understand why.

My cousin Jacob had been at college then so we didn't see him much that visit..but we did briefly.

He was the absolute sweetest boy I'd ever known. Genuine. Sincere. He was different.

There was something amazing about my cousin....but I didn't quite know what it was.

On September 24, 2006, my life came to a halt.

My 18-year old cousin had been in a tragic car accident.

I was in WI. His family was in GA.

I couldn't believe the way it impacted me.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Why him? He was perfect in every way.

Why this family? They were this amazing family full of faith.

I suddenly felt guilty for the way I was living. Selfishly.

My cousin went to Heaven.

Their family was forever-changed.

I was forever changed.

There was something amazing about my cousin, but I didn't know what it was.

The funeral was in October.

Our entire family went to GA.

So many people showed up at his funeral.

I was amazed. He was so young, yet he had left an impact on so many people!

I started to think to myself- have I impacted this many people?

What would people say about me at my funeral?

This is just the way he was. This is just the way he lived...everyday!

I still couldn't believe what I was experiencing.

He was really gone.

How could this happen?

I was questioning God. I was doubting God.

But, I learned that because I was doing these things meant that I believed in God.

The next few months were hard. Very hard. I was not content.
I was restless.

I could feel something inside of me long to do more. To be more.

After hearing about Jacob's dreams & visions...
I believe He had a part in instilling them inside of me!

I have never been the same.

I went back to my corporate job...
I knew it was not where I belonged long-term.

There was something amazing about my cousin, & I know now what it was.

He had purpose. He had vision. He had joy.

He had a personal, intimate relationship with God.

I expressed to my Aunt my desire to do something more with my life.

Specifially, I told her my heart longed to go to Africa.

I don't why I remember this, but I was in Stein's, when this conversation happened.

I guess when God calls you to something, you remember exactly where you were when you heard Him speaking to you.

She proceeded to tell me that the J9 Foundation (which was created in my cousin's memory) had been talking about partnering with another foundation, Heart for Africa, and taking a trip to Kenya to teach a group of young adults entrepreneurship skills so that they could start up their own businesses.

And, the answer was clear.

I was going to figure out a way to go to Africa!

September 25th, 2008 (the day after the 2-year anniversary of Jacob's entrance into Heaven).

This is the day our team departed for Kenya, Africa for 10 days!