A heavy heart..

Laying in bed with a heavy, heavy heart tonight.
Missing Africa a lot tonight.
Interesting day today..one that I think triggered these emotions.

I've had a really hard time these last couple of weeks...so much turmoil, so much unrest.
Still processing memories & uploading pictures from my last trip to Africa & my heart aches, some changes were made in my employment that completely took me by surprise...and have left me with yet again, another broken heart.
I visited my hometown & my family & friends...bittersweet.
I miss all of them, but I love being in Nashville...and the new friends I've made.
My faith is certainly being tested.
Some days I just want to throw my hands up in the air & give up.
"Lord, I've tried to follow you."
"Have I heard you wrong?"
"What is it that you would like me to do?"
I'm at a loss...

My Pastor Jeri, a God-fearing, inspirational & wise woman who has been my Mentor for several years now, spoke words to me that really sunk in...and I can't stop processing them.
"Brenda, have you realized that all of your life you have been swimming, gasping for air- just trying to survive? Things have been so out of control and your life continues to be uprooted & you never have time to settle. This is tearing you apart & you deeply desire some sort of stability."
Ugh! How does she get me so well??
She's right.
I have never known stability...in my family, in my relationships, in my friendships, in my career, in my living arrangements...
Daddy, Abba Father- help me. I need a break. I need stability. I need to see you. I need to hear you.
I know that I'm growing and being challenged through all of these trials...and YOU know what is best for me...but this is hard. So.Very.Hard.

I need you.
I need direction.
I need discernment.
I need wisdom.

What will this next chapter in my life be....??

Praying.
Seeking.
Loving...
YOU.

Breaking our hearts for what breaks His...

The 2011 Visiting Orphans June/July Uganda-Kenya Team

UGANDA

Day 1

The D.C. crew had a to-go breakfast and loaded up for the airport, meeting up with the rest of the team. Everyone arrived safely- all 22 women! We had a few complications in checking-in with luggage but overall things went pretty smoothly. After checking everyone in, we departed for Addis Ababa airport in Ethiopia.

Day 2

We arrived in Ethiopia, had a layover for a few hours and then departed for Entebbe airport in Uganda. Upon arrival in Uganda we were greeted by our wonderful driver, Abasi (we call him "Ah-bus") who took us to the Canaan Children's Home bus.

We loaded our 44 + bags onto a truck and departed for the Guest House in Kampala. It was about a 2-hour drive. It was amazing to watch the team as they took in the sights, sounds & smells along the way.  It was as though they were experiencing..Shock. Disbelief. Sadness. Even after being there a few months ago, my eyes still could not believe what I was seeing. Dirt roads.Women carrying their children on their back. The main source of transportation were feet, bicycles & boda-boda's (motorcycles). Children walking barefoot. Women seated on the side of the road selling goods to the local buyers in order to provide for their family. But, why were we sad? Is it because it was so different to we see & experience in our towns/villages/streets? To them this was everyday life...they do not know anything else. They were content. Eye-opening for sure. 

Upon arrival we checked into our Guest House and unloaded all of our bags. Most of the team began organizing donations. A few of us went to exchange money in Kampala. The trip to the bank was not quite like a trip to the bank in America. Eyes watching you, armed security guards and just a nervousness as we had to try and convert to Ugandan schillings. We were grateful to have two great African contacts that accompanied & protected us. We then went to the market for bread, peanut butter, snacks & water. Buying for 22 people is much different than buying for just yourself :) The ride back through downtown Kampala at night was a truly humbling experience. It was the first time I had experienced seeing street kids all alone begging for food as many people just passed them by, some even mocking them. They were almost perfectly spaced all the way up & down the street. We saw a young girl, maybe 9 years old, with a baby who had to be under a year old, who had left her crawling as she walked away & reached into the garbage can to find something to wipe her bottom. My heart sank. Why is that happening? Where are their parents? If I was somewhat frightened on our drive, how do those children feel? I know God sees this & it breaks His heart too... these are images that are going to stick with us for a long time. Back at the Guest House, the rest of the team had dinner with Moses, the in-country Director for Sixty Feet, as he gave them guidelines about our visit to the prisons over the next couple of days. A heavy, but impactful day. The team had an opportunity to blog, check e-mails, etc. and then it was lights out- we had a busy day ahead of us.

Day 3

The team had breakfast and then we departed to one of the children's prison/remand home with Sixty Feet to minister to the children. We were greeted by them with music. We then introduced ourselves to them. We began with just telling our names, but they wanted to know more about us :) So, we shared what we do, our ages, etc. The children got a kick out of the younger girls on our team- they seemed to think it was funny that they were the same age as some of them! I just loved that they wanted to know so much about us- shows how much they truly VALUE relationships....a lesson for us Americans who rush through life, hardly getting to truly know one another. 

We shared some of our songs with them and then split up into groups & made salvation bracelets with the children- explaining what the colors meant as they made them: Black=sin, who were are before we are saved. Red=blood that Jesus shed for us, White=snow, we are washed clean, Yellow=streets of gold, where we will be in eternity & Green=growth, if we continue to follow God, our lives will continue to be fruitful and grow into who we were created to be! ♥

They seemed very shy & closed-off at first, but once we started playing games, they warmed up to us quickly! We had jump ropes, twister, bubbles, balloons and soccer drills going on all at the same time. It did not feel like a prison! It looked like lots of kids with joy & smiles on their faces and having fun. We fed them juice & biscuits before their staple lunch of posho (cornmeal) & beans- two things they do not usually get. It was so tender to see their gratefulness. Juice & biscuits. The things we take for granted...

We arrived back at the Guest House and made sandwiches for lunch and went through some more of the donations. Most of the team took naps- the heaviness of our first day of ministry, the hot African sun and constant need to rehydrate left a lot of our  mentally & physically exhausted. We ended the evening with a team dinner, as well as a debrief from the day! It was so neat to hear everyone's perspectives, feelings, God-moments & experiences. What a wonderful first day of ministry- I thank God that we all had an opportunity to experience what God sees in this world- beyond what we see & experience in our own little comfortable worlds at home. The team was given some time to again blog, check e-mail, etc...we advised them to get some good rest for tomorrow was going to be a full day!

Day 4

Our team had breakfast/devotional time and loaded the bus to depart to another children's prison. Once we arrived they had us sign their Guest book and told us about their facility. They also informed us that over 200 children were just brought in from off the streets the night before...and were being processed. My heart broke. All I could think to myself was- wow. Our team arrived the day after these children were brought in. Jesus, help us help them! They don't deserve this..no one does. We had left over biscuits so as the children stood in line for their lunch (porridge), we handed out a couple biscuits to each of them. Again, something they do not usually receive. What a joy it was to be a part of giving them a simple, special little treat. Showing love in a tangible way. After lunch we gathered in a room where they sang, worshiped and prayed. It was so humbling to see how genuine & heartfelt they were- some of them have clearly entered into a relationship with their Creator and were crying out to Him. This was so powerful for me to see..how easy we can become distracted with material things around us, that we don't take time to thank our Lord for what we have been given and to cry out to Him when things are hard, instead of feeling frustration and anger, sadness and loneliness. Thank you God for letting me see what genuine worship looks like. 

We then began handing out t-shirts to all of the children so that they could begin decorating them with markers, puffy paint, glitter, etc. We were told the children that were still being processed would not be joining us, so we knew that we would certainly have enough t-shirts. But, God had something else in mind. We began to see more and more children slowly filter in. Worried, our team thought we were going to run out of t-shirts and not have enough for everyone. We did not want to disappoint any of them by not having a t-shirt for them. We thought, what were we going to do? What was happening was as the children were being processed they were coming in to join the rest of the group- they were intrigued & wanted to be a part of what was going on. So did God. The t-shirts dwindled until we were out...but the children were still coming. At one point, one of our team members began looking in all of the suitcases that we brought, hoping to find more. To her amazement, she came across another group of t-shirts in one of the front pockets. She claimed, "these were not here before". This brought some of the team members to tears. Where did they come from? Well, from GOD of course!!! What an amazing moment.

The children were spread across the room decorating their shirts on the tables & on the floor. They had so much fun & took so much pride in decorating their own t-shirts with their names. Something they could call their OWN. It was so neat to see how they made sure to include Jesus on their shirts as well! One of them even demonstrated his love for Sixty Feet. Amazing. The Spirit was so evident in that room! Our thought was to have the t-shirts dry as they played- but the children were so proud of them that they wanted to wear them right away! Or, they just wanted to hold on to them. Almost as though they were afraid someone was going to take it away from them. We then headed outside to play all sorts of games and activities with them. Soccer, hop-scotch, bubbles, etc. Again, this did not feel like a prison. At one point I stopped and felt that I was amidst a group of children outside at recess. It was so wonderful to see so many children with joy and smiles on their faces. This is what children are supposed to be doing at this age. A few kids had fallen and scraped their knees. While it broke my heart to see them cry, it was also bittersweet, because this is what happens to children at this age. They fall down and scrape their knees & someone (usually their parents) would pick them up & comfort them and put a bandaid on, assuring them they would be ok. They did not have this. I witnessed a child fall and I instinctively picked him up and brought him inside, pulled out my first aid kit, wiped down his scrape and covered it with a bandaid. Oh, Lord- again...thank you for letting me experience this and letting me comfort that child. What a sweet, sweet moment. After a few hours of playing, we had to depart to our next ministry. As we left, we gave a bag full of toothbrushes and toothpaste to the Administrators so that each child would have one. Thank you to the generous Dentist in America who donated over 500 of them...what a blessing it was to donate these to children who may not have ever had their own toothbrush, let alone toothpaste to clean their teeth. It was so hard to leave all of them- our hearts were very heavy. Our hope is that the joy in their hearts would remain and that future teams will continue to bring the love & hope that they all need to become what God has created them to be! We are so happy that Sixty Feet has invested their time, efforts & love into these children, so we too can also be a part in giving them HOPE. Thank you, Jesus.

We made sandwiches on the bus for our team as we departed to Rebecca Sorensen's ministry, My Father's House in Kampala.  We were arriving later than expected and so the children had remained at school so that they could see all of the visitors. Upon arrival, all of the children line up and sing as we walked in..making you feel like you are a celebrity walking in a parade! The smiles on their faces was so sweet. Having been here before, I somewhat expected this so I had our video camera out so that I could record their sweet, sweet voices.

More to come....